Zombie Jokes

Zombie Jokes

Zombies can be humorous and drop dead funny. Here is the last known collection of Zombie jokes put together before the apocalypse. So if you are of the living, read this now! Please enjoy them while you still have your brainssssss!

Q: What is the safest place to be in a zombie apocalypse?
A: The living room.

Q: Why did the zombie comedian get booed off stage?
A: Because the jokes he told where rotten.

Q: What do you do if you see a zombie?
A: Hope it’s HALLOWEEN!

Q: What does it take to become a zombie?
A: DEADication!

Q: Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
A: No, they eat the fingers separately…

Q: Why did the zombie ignore all his new Facebook friends?
A: He was still Digesting all his old Facebook friends!

Q: Why didn’t the zombie get the job?
A: They wanted someone more lively!

Zombie Jokes 1

Q: What is a zombie’s favorite TV show?
A: American Pickers!

Q: Why did the zombie go to the hospital?
A: He wanted to learn some real sick jokes!

Q: Why did the zombie bite off the comedians hands?
A: The jokes were to funny to handle!

Q: How do zombies keep their hair in place?
A: With SCARE spray!

Q: How do zombies tell their future?
A: With their HORRORscope!

Q: Who do cowboy zombies fight?
A: DEADskins!

Q: Why did the zombie lose his lawsuit?
A: He had NO LEG to STAND ON!

Q: How do zombies serve their country?
A: In the Marine CORPSE!

Q: Do zombies eat brains with their fingers?
A: No, they EAT the FINGERS separately!

Zombie Jokes 2

Q: How do you know a zombie is tired?
A: He’s dead on his feet.

Q: What is a zombie’s favorite shampoo and snack called?
A: Head and shoulders!

Q: What did the zombie’s friend say when he introduced him to his girlfriend?
A: Good grief! Where did you dig her up from?

Q: What does a zombie get when he comes home late for dinner?
A: The cold SHOULDER!

Q: What did the zombie say to the kid?
A: Stop hitting me in the head!

Q: How do you know if you are dealing with a smart zombie?
A: They are wearing helmets!

Q: How are zombies like computers?
A: They use megaBITES!

Q: Do zombies eat dinner with their family?
A: No, their family was the dinner!

Q: Who won the zombie war?
A: Nobody, it was a DEAD tie!

Zombie Jokes 3

Q: What is a zombie’s favorite toy?
A: A DEADY bear!

Q: What did the zombie say before his fight?
A: Do you want a piece of me?

Q: Why did the zombie cross the road?
A: He wanted to eat the chicken!

Q: Why did the zombie cross the road?
A: He wanted to eat the chicken sandwich you just ate!

Q: What time do zombies wake up?
A: At ate o’clock!

Q: What do zombies order at bars?
A: A shot of To-Kill-YA!

Q: Where do zombies go on cruises?
A: The DEADiterranean Sea!

Q: What has a dog’s head, a cat’s tail and brains all over its face?
A: A zombie coming out of the pet store!

Q: Why did the Zombie join the army?
A: To eat all the arms. They taste the best!

Q: Why did the zombie stop eating breakfast?
A: He didn’t want to become a CEREAL killer!

Q: What kind of candy do zombies refuse to eat?
A: LIFE Savers!

Q: Who did the zombie take out for dinner?
A: His GHOULfriend!

Zombie Jokes

Q: What kind of car does a zombie drive?
A: A monster truck!

Q: What did the zombie’s friend say after she joined Greenpeace?
A: Uggghhh, you’re one of those annoying GREEN zombies!

Q: What do you call a zombie door-to-door salesman?
A: A DEAD ringer!

Q: What did the zombie’s ex say when she wouldn’t stop calling?
A: You’re DEAD to me!

Q: What did the zombie do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: He wiped his BUTT!

Q: What is a zombie’s favorite TV show?
A: “CHOMPING On The Stars!”

Q: What did one zombie say to the other zombie while eating a comedian?
A: This tastes FUNNY!

Q: What is black, white & dead all over?
A: A zombie in a TUXEDO!

Q: Did you hear about the zombie who was expelled from school?
A: He kept BUTTERING up his teacher!

Q: Why did the zombie go to the orthodontist?
A: To improve his BITE!

Q: What do zombies like to eat at cookouts?
A: Fried brains.

Q: What is black, white & red all over?
A: A nun being EATEN by zombies!

Q: Why did the dyslexic zombie starve to death?
A: He couldn’t find any SNIARB!

Q: What is a zombies favorite game?
A: Bite and Eat.

Q: How do zombies study for tests?
A: By eating lots of brain food.

Q: How do zombies pick up hot chicks?
A: After the first bite it’s dead easy!

Q: What is a zombies favorite game?
A: Chase!

Q: What is a zombies favorite nighttime game?
A: Catch and bite!

Q: Whats a zombies favorite food?
A: YOU!

Q: Why was the zombie afraid to cross the road?
A: He had lost his guts!

Q: What do you get when you cross a zombie with a snowman?
A: FrostBITE!

Q: Why did the zombie stop teaching?
A: He only had one pupil!

Q: Why did the zombie stop teaching?
A: He in the pupil by the pupil!

Q: What did the zombie say after seeing his neighbor’s new car?
A: I’m GREEN with envy!

Q: Why did the zombie go crazy?
A: He had lost his mind!

Q: Do dark circles around the zombie’s eyes make him look dead?
A: No, but being DEAD does!

Q: What did the last of the zombies say to the survives of the apocalypse?
A: It’s been a living hell with you guys around.

Q: Why didn’t the zombie stay in town?
A: There was a new head strong sherif in town!

Q: How did the zombie treat every day of death?
A: Like he was LIVING!

Q: What did the zombie say to his date?
A: I just love a woman with BRAAAINS!

Q: What did the Zombie say to the the last living woman?
A: You know how hard it has been looking for a woman with any brains around here!

Q: What do you call a dead Bruce Lee?
A: A zomlee!

Q: What did the zombie call his new dating handbook?
A: “DYING To Meet You!”

Q: How do you show you like something on zombiebook?
A: You click the bite you button.

Q: What did everyone say about the big zombie party?
A: It was dead event & full of stiffs!

Q: What did the zombie say to his wife Barbara?
A: I’m coming to get you, BARBARA!

Q: What type of dogs do zombies like best?
A: BLOODhound!

Q: Why was the zombie’s nightclub a disaster?
A: The living turn up and beat and stomped on the zombie’s heads!

Q: Why did they find a disembodied head inside of a piano?
A: A zombie forgot it when he was trying to play by ear.

Q: Why do we know the Zombie apocalypse didn’t start in Vegas?
A: Because if it started in vegas it would have stay in vegas.

Q: What do you call a one inch zombie?
A: Tomb Thumb!

Q: When do zombies go to sleep?
A: When they are dead tired.

Q: How did the lonely zombie bartender get a room full of zombies by the end of the night?
A: He put up a sign saying “Free cocktails just ask for a make me a zombie drink”!

Q: A zombie walks up to the bartender and says “make me a zombie?”
A: The bartender replies “looks like someone already has!”

Q: What’s the worst animal to run into during a zombie apocalypse?
A: A dead one!

Q: The baby zombie asks her mother “Mommy, do I have daddy’s eyes?”
A: The mother says “Yes you do honey! Now eat them before they get cold!”

Q: What did the zombie say to the homeless guy sitting on the street corner?
A: Come with me if you are looking for a bite to eat!

A lawyer
A doctor
And a zombie walk into a bar…

Three zombies walk out.

Zombies only eat people with brains… iamokaywiththis.jgp, I lack a brain.

Zombie Jokes

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Happy Halloween